Not Sure What I’m Looking For
I grew up a victim to my older sister's grooming and eventual molestation. She would show porn to me, insisting our mom wanted her to teach me about sex. Or other times mom wanted the same thing, but to read books in our house about sex (these books were geared towards teaching children about this topic. They disappeared after a certain point in my childhood without having been shown them by my parents properly imo). Then one day she took me into the shower, told me to just trust her and stick my leg out and then she began to rub her genitals on me. The age difference is about 6 1/2 years. I was about 6, she was 12 or 13.
Recent things have been coming to light. Odd nightmares. Panic attacks. Flashbacks that retrospectively seem harmless. I grew up with rape fantasies and dreams. I just thought I was a messed up girl. But my rape dreams were always about my dad or uncle. I wet the bed in those dreams. Did so until 10? A year ago I had a flashback, I was maybe 5? My parents bathroom has a dual-headed shower. My dad and I were showering at seperate ends and he was telling me not to turn around because he didnt want me to see him naked. We were both turned around. I just remember feeling unsanely uncomfortable and not sure why I had to shower with him. But it still caused a flashback. I dissociated for awhile and couldnt move or talk really. I dont remember much of what happened after. I remember growing up and feeling intensely uncomfortable around my family in general with my body. I changed clothes often. I wanted to "challenge" my body inage issues a lot and would try to wear "normal" clothes instead of my usual baggy ones but I would eventually get irritated, change, and be incredibly upset the rest of the day. But more than that I felt uncomfortable with my dad specifically if even anything of being different from a man were brought up. Now while I am a cis female, I have felt that maybe this was unusual as everybody else felt fine discussing these thing with him, but I felt shame? Intense discomfort? On any topic like that? Getting a bra, shaving legs, first periods. I sat in front of the radio tv in my room one morning in kindergarten before school. I didnt want to move because I was so tired but I remember the sun glinting off my leg hair and I wasnt wear anything really but underwater and I remember my dad coming in and telling me to hurry and get dressed. I remember feeling shame for how hairy my legs were and that he saw me so exposed. Last week, I had a sort of flash back. More so emotional I guess. I was pinned down on the bed by a man who was on my right side I had no pants on. Thats all I remember. But I felt so much terror and panic. My chest hurt I was so frantic. I couldnt breathe because I was hyperventilating and screaming. Apparently I had my arm reached out screaming "please no". My husband was with me trying to comfort me. Since then ive been depressed and anxious. Sometimes suicidal which doesnt surprise me. Its been awful. I can't have sex anymore. I panic and dissociate too often. Of the idea of it gives me too much anxiety. I dont know what to do. My therapist is out of town moving until the 16th. My job performance has been affected greatly. I can't study for an upcoming certification I have come december 7th. I dont know where I need to be or what I need to be doing. I feel like the things Ive learned in therapy and the ways I've grown have been flushed down the toilet in one day. I feel like a burden to my coworkers, my husband and his family, my friends.
Submitted November 07, 2018 at 04:53AM by rosastro
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