Im only getting worse over time


Im only getting worse over time

It's been 7 years or more since I left my ex. I've since dated around, found a new guy, fallen for him even though I certainly didn't want to at first, and we're now engaged. I love my SO and love the life and family we've built. But I don't know if it's stress from work, commitment issues, being retraumatized when a friend assaulted me a few years ago, or just time… I can't stop reliving my ex.

And I'm reliving it to the point of not being able to tell anymore what is real and what is false memories. I go through long periods of thinking I really started a lot of the arguments, or maybe I was the perpetuator, the emotional abuser and all he did was physical. Then I find some kind of old evidence, like when I was cleaning out my bedroom at my mom's, and found a note he wrote threatening with his blood that I couldn't leave him. Or remembering the physical pain he caused me. Or the sexual things I never wanted to do.

But then I'm back to remembering the times I wished he were dead, or didn't answer his text threats of suicide because deep down I wanted him to die. And how terrible that made me, as a self-proclaimed suicide prevention advocate.

But there's nothing I can do. My SO is going through so much right now, I can't tell him what's happening with me. I can't stress him out more, I genuinely believe that may be the final straw for his own fragile mental health. We have no money for me to seek any professional help anyway. I feel guilty marrying someone under a lie that I'm healthy, and sane, and would be a good wife. That I'm not constantly thinking about my ex and wondering if he's alive or hoping he died when he joined the army. I don't know how much longer I can keep up this charade and keep doing this.

Submitted November 17, 2018 at 12:53PM by DoggoFoggo18
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Rapist was sentenced this week


Rapist was sentenced this week

I flew home this week and attended my Dad's trial. He signed a plea agreement so it wasn't too shocking when he received 20 years in prison and when he is released, if he is still alive (he'll be 84), he will be in the custody of the DOJ. My Dad abused my cousin A in the 70s, and my cousin N in the 80s. The abused occured around the age of 4 to 12. My mom knew, but he "repented" and got right with God, only to abuse me when I turned 5 in the 90s. This happened until I was 13, then he stopped. I knew and did nothing. I didn't know he had abused anyone else. This summer I found out he had been abusing my 2 daughters; (8) and my 2nd daughter for three years (7-10). He had taken videos and pictures, including himself in the videos. I sat where he couldn't see me, but I wasn't prepared for the grief that took over seeing him shackled and being led away to start his new life in prison. We have lifetime restraining orders. I'll never see or hear from him again. I'm relieved and broken. I feel like I can finally get up and get going with my life since July when we found out, but I just feel so very, very sad. My girls are finally doing better and I know this is for the best, but the conflicting feelings… Suck.

Submitted November 17, 2018 at 12:06PM by Mikakichi
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Well, my grandpa is a predator!


Well, my grandpa is a predator!

Just learned that my "grandpa" has sexually abused multiple members of family. As a survivor of sexual abuse, it's pretty fucking hard to see. While he did not abuse me, several people in the family have started coming forward about it all, and hearing it is fucking disgusting. I'm so beyond angry and hurt, I don't even know what to say.

Submitted November 17, 2018 at 02:31PM by kman0300
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Recommended Reading for my mom?


Recommended Reading for my mom?

I am 23. I live at home for now. I am having trouble because my dad sexually abused me as a kid (nothing wildly horrible but still significant) and he is now mentally and physically disabled from a brain injury. I came forward to my parents months ago and they met me with denial/skepticism. I want my mom to read a book that might explain to her where I'm coming from. Why she shouldn't just accept my dad being like "I don't remember that" as the final word on the truth. Something that explains what survivors face and how perpetrators get away with it. Or am I asking too much? How can she ever believe that the man she loves/loved did something so awful?

But he did.

Submitted November 17, 2018 at 10:27AM by landaylandho
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Anyone else feeling extremely anxious about going home for holidays?


Anyone else feeling extremely anxious about going home for holidays?

Especially those whose abuser is a relative? Naturally, I'm going home for Thanksgiving next week and feeling very anxious about it. Only person close to me that knows about my abuse is my fiancee, but I still haven't told him that my abuser was my father. Have been in therapy for a few months now trying to work up the courage to finally tell my mother that the man she's still married to molested me when he thought I was sleeping from around the ages of 10-13.

But since I've always been the good child, I have to act like everything is ok next week. Ugh, my brain just isn't ready to tell my mom yet. Really hope I can get through next week.

Submitted November 17, 2018 at 06:51AM by throwaway-firsttimer
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How has your abuse affected your sexuality?


How has your abuse affected your sexuality?

I was molested by relatives and nearly raped by one at a funeral up until I was about 11 or 12. I was sexually assaulted my entire middle school experience by schoolmates and even lost my virginity as an adult through rape. I have a complicated relationship with sexuality. I experience an extreme repulsion but i also have an extreme complusion, like I'll burn up inside if i dont have sexual contact but if I have it, I never enjoy it? Im 22 years old now and decidedly celibate since taking my shahadda but i still struggle with managing everything. I know its directly linked to my trauma but how do i make it stop ?? Has anyone experienced the same?

Submitted November 17, 2018 at 06:15AM by hydroxyzeen
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Any survivors struggle with insomnia?


Any survivors struggle with insomnia?

I’m having a really hard time lately (ever since I started EMDR). I’ve “always” (I’m thinking since I’ve been sexually abused – first time it happened I was asleep & woke up to being raped) been a light sleeper. But I literally all of a sudden developed “acute insomnia” about 4.5 years ago. It was so bad that I actually developed performance anxiety about getting to / falling asleep. I had many consecutive sleepless nights. Then I’d get good nights of sleep then the insomnia would return. Most of the time the insomnia would rear its head seemingly out of the blue and for no particular reason. My body / mind just wouldn’t let me fall asleep. I’d get so tense and worked up that it was near impossible to calm down without any pharmaceutical intervention. It gradually got better as I learned CBTi, good sleep hygiene, started working out regularly, tried meditating, found all kinds of “natural” / herbal sedatives etc to get me through some bouts of insomnia. I’d go through acute insomnia about 2-3 times a year. Eventually I learned to ease my anxiety around falling asleep. I even have always had some periods where I would wake up screaming and freaking out (without any memory of it) when my husband would come up to bed. Sometimes I’ve woken up in a sweat, screaming as my husband was trying to calm me down.

Anyway, since I’ve been seeing a therapist, I’ve made the link that my insomnia is probably a result of my childhood sexual abuse (given the way it first happened to me). I thought just knowing that would help me be easier on myself and ease my insomnia. Then about 2 weeks ago I started doing EMDR with my therapist. I’ve read this can be really tough for a while. The night I came home from my first EMDR session my insomnia returned – but this time with a vengeance it seems. I’ve had 2 EMDR sessions and they both went well but I’ve sleep well about 3 or 4 nights since my first session. And it seems to be snowballing and getting really bad. A lot of the strategies that I learned/used that usually worked are not having any effect on improving my sleep. I’m feeling very tired (this is the catch 22 of insomnia: exhausted but can’t sleep or get a decent rest) and depressed. I actually feel scared that I’m going to genuinely go crazy. I’m at my wits end.

Can anyone relate??

Submitted November 17, 2018 at 12:23AM by DunderMittens
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Business skills survivors of abuse don’t realize they have


Business skills survivors of abuse don’t realize they have

Are you currently alive? Have you been abused in the past? Congratulations! You are a survivor of abuse! Ever wondered how did you actually survive?

Here are the skills you don't realize you have, that you can use to succeed tomorrow.

Now, maybe you already know that you have certain skills that not many people have, but you view them as negative? Because it's what happened to you in the past that made you learn certain behaviours and adapt a certain way of thinking? But those are your most valuable skills, they are your surviving skills. And yeah, not everyone has them. Here is how you can translate your survivor skills into your further success.

Time management and Organization

Have you ever been given an impossible task to achieve by your abuser? A number of impossible tasks at the same time? And have you tried to do your best and do as much as you can anyway? Congratulations! You have a skill of Prioritization and Organization. Because the only way to even think of trying to achieve something impossible in a very short period of time you've been given is to quickly draft a plan of what needs to be done and start executing immediately. Compared to the kind of pressure you have had to deal with earlier in your life, pressure at a workplace will not be as intense, and all you'll need to do when swamped with a lot of tasks in a short period of time is to use skills you already have.

Research and Predictive Analysis

Have you spent countless hours and days trying to figure what are you going to get in trouble for next? Congratulations! You have a skill of Research and Predictive Analysis. You probably have been gathering facts, making experimental assumptions, analyzing patterns and observing most possible outcome scenarios before you can even remember. Can you do it for living? The answer is you already are.

Communication and Negotiation

If you have been stuck with your abuser for long periods of time, you were probably forced to communicate with them. And you most likely wanted to have minimal contact. You would negotiate your boundaries as much as you possibly could. You would try to understand (not to be confused with accept) their perspective and make a deal that will satisfy them and you. In the same way you would negotiate with your client. What would you like to get out of this deal? What would it take for them to give it to you? Can you give them less then what they want, but make it seem like it's actually more? Easily! You're a natural!

Continuous learning and sefl-development

Because no one wants to get better then you do. You've might be overthinking certain things in your life, you might be fixated on something from your past, but you are constantly learning to cope and with every breath you become a better version of yourself.

What other skills have you picked up along the way?

Submitted November 16, 2018 at 09:48PM by Agnia_Barto
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Do I [21/f] tell my ex [m/21] I hooked up with his friends in the 2.5 years we have been broken up?


Do I [21/f] tell my ex [m/21] I hooked up with his friends in the 2.5 years we have been broken up?

Okay bear with me-this is a long story. A little background: When I was 19 years old I went through my very first heartbreak with my first love. We were together for 2.5 year and went away to a university together. I was sexually assaulted one weekend while he went back home and I stayed at school.  The night I told him, he had sex with another girl out of spite because he thought I cheated on him. I forgave him because of how ashamed I was of what happened to me and I was alone. This caused a major strain in our relationship. I was very depressed and going through some PTSD after the incident. 6 months after the fact, he broke up with me because he was convinced that I cheated on him and was lying about being sexually assaulted. He blocked me on everything and said he never wanted anything to do with me. I was going through a hard time after our breakup (started seeing a therapist and psychiatrist). In the span of the 2.5 years since our breakup I have had other boyfriends and hookups. Some of my hookups happened to be some of his old friends, the most recent happening 11 months ago. I never talked to these guys leading up to the hook ups or since, it was purely just spur of the moment drunk sex. Recently me and my ex have reconnected after 2.5 years of no contact. We are 21 now, both turning 22 next month. It started off as friendly catching up, but things have gotten more romantic and we have been hanging out a lot more. I wasn’t sure we could ever be together again, but I no longer have feelings of sadness or resentment regarding what he did to me. I have noticed by the way he carries himself now, he has definitely matured. I guess I just want to know when or if I should tell him I hooked up with his friends? Part of me always assumed someone told him, but seeing as how great things have been between us, I think there is no way he knows. An old friend of mine for sure hooked up with him, but we weren’t necessarily close at that time and he doesn’t know I know. In all honesty, I don’t want to know who he has hooked up with and I don’t want him to know so it doesn’t bring feelings of insecurity, but I know that it has to come up if things get serious. Anyone been in a similar situation or have some solid advice? Sorry I know this is all over the place, but any help is appreciated!

Submitted November 16, 2018 at 03:04PM by Prada1218
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