Sexual Abuse Survivors: Please help me feel less alone.
I've made this throwaway out of absolute desperation for help. To begin, today I registered for sexual abuse specialized therapy so I am GETTING the help that I need. This took me 10 years since my trauma to take this step today. I am simply just looking to speak to or hear from others who have experienced similar things to me, as I have never really met anybody who has. I'm desperate to feel less alone. I just am hoping to receive any kinds of support, advise, and therapeutic strategies that go past "just get over it". I'm exhausted from hearing those words.
As a young child, I was sexually abused by 2 family members. When I reached out for help, I was not believed, I was told that it was made up, I was told that it didn't matter because "boys can be curious". As a result of this, I was taught at a young age that sexual abuse of this kind is how siblings should treat each other, how I should be loved, and that it was ok. Over time, I learned that this is wrong. And that I deserve to enjoy sex. That sex is something that is MINE and nobody else's. I have grown into a beautiful confident woman who is… not confident at all during sex. To the point where I am terrified – paralyzingly terrified of even TOUCHING a penis. While I get by – pretending that I'm not scared, but I have never given a blowjob. I am terrified of even holding a penis even though I do at times when foreplay is happening.
I have found myself with a patient partner who knows about my past and wants to support me in getting through my trauma. My issues are affecting our sex life and for that reason, I'm feeling very defeated. I trust this man more than I've ever trusted any man before but he feels like I'm not comfortable with him. It's not him, it's me. I trust him but I still experience paralyzing anxiety. In the past, I have blacked out or just broke down crying during sex. It's mortifying and ruins what little confidence I have in bed.
If there's anybody out there.. that's reading this, that knows in ANY way what I'm going through.. I could really use some help. Some support, love, stories of what worked for you. I need to believe that it's possible for me to get through this because right now things are feeling so dark, I don't know if there's a light at the end.
(cross-posted because.. well im desperate)
Submitted November 08, 2018 at 03:06AM by sossexual
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