Will they be watching me and remembering what they did to me at our holiday family dinners?
I was just a child. I don’t remember who did it to me which is the problem. It had to have been someone in my family so now with the holidays coming up I feel so out of control. Will they be at thanksgiving dinner? Watching and remembering what they did to me? Not knowing how they ruined years of my life and turned me into an anxious disaster. I thought I was recovered from the eating disorder but it’s starting to creep it’s way back in. The thoughts of not being able to hide from them while weighing this much. If I can just not eat, maybe I will shrink and be able to hide from them. But I also don’t want to die. I don’t know that my body can handle another round of anorexia. I feel more like a victim now that I ever have. Shouldn’t it get better with time? Why can’t I just get over it. Has anyone just wished it away and believed hard enough that it really did just get better? A therapist I was seeing said my brain feels like I’m ready to start uncovering the trauma which is why the night terrors and flashbacks started. But why did my brain make that unconscious decision? I’m not ready. I don’t want to deal with it, I just want it to go away.
Submitted November 07, 2018 at 07:33AM by Ldbk4
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