Missing memories (sibling abuse)


Missing memories (sibling abuse)

Hey guys, I just want to be upfront and say that this is about my mom who does not have a Reddit account but allowed me to help her write and post this as she is in need of some guidance.

She has only 1 memory of something. She was maybe 7 or 8 years old and remembers her older 15 year old (half, they have the same mother but not father) brother sticking his tongue in her mouth. She also remembers him telling her "you have to do what I say, you have to obey your elders" but her memory blacks out after that. Her sister had said that she once caught him kissing her and her sister had threatened to beat him up. My mom has issues with sex and she has been celibate (and single) for over a decade after divorcing my father. She says that she's always felt uncomfortable and dirty after sex and she dislikes being touched sexually. It was difficult for her, but I'm really glad that she opened up to me about everything.

The brother that abused her is in jail now for abusing underage males. She has been sensing him money since my grandmother died in 2009 but she wants to continue to send him money now that my grandfather has passed away (he raised the brother for most of his life) but I feel like she is putting herself in a difficult position emotionally. She wants to know what happened and she has absolute power over him (money), so what can she do to find out what happened to her? Or is it best to leave it all in the past?

Submitted December 09, 2018 at 09:02PM by Eggplantbun
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how do you deal with intimacy (sexual & nonsexual)?


how do you deal with intimacy (sexual & nonsexual)?

Let me start off by saying i'm a young adult and feel smothered in this college atmosphere of being free and dating and having sex. I don't vibe with any of it. I don't feel free, I don't want to date, and I don't want to have sex. Yes, I want to discover myself but more in the introverted sense; I want to repair my broken self as much as I can before I do anything else. I chose that to be my priority right out of high school because it had become impossible for me to function daily with how emotionally crippled I had become.

But, it's been years since then and I feel like i'm hitting the bar of when i'm supposed to have it all together. I'm supposed to want to have sex, to want to be in a functioning adult relationship, right? But I don't want any of that. My libido works just fine and everything, masturbation is alright; I just don't want anybody to actually touch me or look at me. The idea is repulsive; it makes me feel dirty, disgusting, embarrassed, and utterly shameful. Even typing it feels disgusting.

I've been trying to fix the root cause of this problem by correcting my thoughts, actions, habits, and it's a really slow, taxing process. Especially since i'm doing it mostly alone. I feel like i'd be ok with how slow this process is if there wasn't such a sense of urgency about sex, like you gotta have it and you gotta have it now! You gotta lose your virginity! You gotta talk about sex at social gatherings! You gotta talk about who you're dating! You gotta talk about fucking!

I get so self-conscious about what I lack, since I feel like i'm constantly trying to fake being a functioning person, which probably makes me ascribe more importance to sex than it actually has.

I just.. I don't want to care about sex right now. My priorities are elsewhere and I want to feel ok about that! But I feel so fucking guilty. And I feel like an idiot for feeling like a grade-schooler that doesn't want to be made fun of, but I do want to fit in with peers. I feel like if I do ever end up in a better mental state, I'm going to look back and think about how I wasted my early twenties having anxiety attacks when someone hugs me too long.

I just want to feel ok that I chose this for myself- to fix myself before I throw myself into something that I don't yet have the tools to handle. I don't want to feel rushed, but I do. I know people don't really give a shit about others' sex lives but I usually hear that from people who have "normal" sex lives, who already feel well adjusted in a sexual routine, and who didn't have a sexually traumatic childhood.

Now, about emotional intimacy: I crave it and yet I hate it. I know i'm only craving it so much because I still, deep deep down, want someone to save me; to make this job of fixing myself easier. But realistically, I know it wouldn't work like that so I don't intentionally seek it out.
I pushed away the one person willing to walk in on the garbage fire that is me, because I realized I was idealizing him and it was beginning to get harmful for our relationship. He was a beautiful person, but I projected this romanticized idea of a savior onto him (which no human being could ever fulfill). I knew I wouldn't be able treat him as well as he should be and I wasn't willing to open up at all because I didn't understand myself at all yet. It hurt that I hurt him by leaving him in such an unresolved state, but I was too scared of what he would think of me if I talked to him about my past. I wasn't ready to be like "by the way, I hate when you touch me or look into my eyes!" because he wouldn't believe that it was all me, and I definitely was not ready to talk to him about why. And I knew I couldn't ask him to conform to all these rules about me- no touching, no eye contact, no telling me he thought I was beautiful, no asking to see my family, no asking about my past. I couldn't ask that of him because I knew he could do better than me. He deserved to have someone who was a functioning person, ready to take on life with him. I shouldn't have assumed it all without asking, but I couldn't even bear to bring up the topic.
I wanted to be everything to him but I couldn't be anything at all. I couldn't bear the weight of being emotionally responsible for him. I know that may sound dumb but, I feel that's what relationships are. You both are open enough to handle each other's well-beings and share in downs as well as ups; I wasn't ready to dump all my shit on him, nor did I have the tools to take my part in handling his emotional well being in a healthy way. My abuser was a narcissist and I had to be his willing emotional slave, soothe his ego so he wouldn't blow up, let him touch me so he wouldn't be mad, tell him he was the good guy and it was me who was being bad, all so he wouldn't hurt me. That's still very firmly ingrained into me. Because of that, i'm still too afraid of condemnation by someone who'd be in charge of my well-being to open myself up to emotional intimacy.

My defense mechanism (avoidance & deflection) has become part of my personality, so I'm trying to de-tangle it from what's left of me. I want to be better already, I feel like an idiot. I want to be normal, I so badly wish this wasn't an issue, I so badly wish I could be who I would've grown up to be if I wasn't ruined.

By the way I'm not discounting the importance sex can have, I think it's cool concept, sure! and part of me is actually glad that people talk about it so much more now; it makes sex less of a taboo subject, which actually helps bring to light the severity of sexual crimes.

I just don't think sex is important for me right now, and probably not for a long while, but is it ok to make a decision like that for myself out of fear?

How do you guys feel about sex? How did you approach sex both in your first experience with it apart from your abuse, and in the long-run? And how do you deal with emotional intimacy? Are your brick walls still up? And if not, how did you even begin to start in taking them down? How do you approach the menacing two headed dragon that is sexual and non-sexual intimacy?

If you read all that (or even just bits) thanks a lot, really! And thank you if you decide to share anything with me! Even if you're also just sharing your confusion and frustration and can't offer an answer, I appreciate it a ton.
Whenever I feel terribly alone, I think of this subreddit. Thank you for being here to listen, and if you've ever regretted posting or talking about what's happened to you and how it's affected your life, take solace in the fact you've helped someone feel less alone in this world.

Submitted December 09, 2018 at 04:14PM by moon_howl
via reddit

Was I molested as a child?


Was I molested as a child?

For the past 6 years I have been plagued by an awful paranoia that I could have been molested as a young boy(before the age of 5). It all started when I was 18 and was reading about "repressed memories". I came across this book excerpt on google that said something along the lines of "If you THINK you were sexually abused as a child,you probably were",this absolutely opened up a huge can of worms mentally for me and I can honestly say that I have never been the same since. I lost a great deal of confidence in myself and I started experiencing panic attacks. There are days were I am confident nothing happened to me and other days were the complete opposite is true. I even went through scenarios where I imagined potential sexual abuse by EVERY male I can remember from before I was 5.

Coming to terms with the fact that my memory before 5 is a bit hazy is hard,all I really want is to know whether or not something did happen to me so that I can work towards moving on. I have been begging my brain to remember something so that I can finally get some closure. When I was 8 years old and we were having a stranger danger conversation at school,the teacher told us a story about a bus driver that had a little boy sit on his lap and he touched his "privates". I didn't feel any amount of fear at the time and I just believed that stuff rarely happened and went on with my life.

Never did I even remotely consider I could have been sexually abused until I was 18. When i was around 10,I was playing a flashgame with a chatroom and someone managed to post a picture of this website called lemonparty. It was a picture of 3 old guys having oral sex(i think). I was immediately shocked as I had never witnessed anything like that before.I informed my father of what I had seen and he proceeded to look at the website. I was grounded from the computer for a while and had parental controls on the internet from that moment sense.If something happened to me,why wasn't I triggered when I saw these things? I have really fuzzy memories between ages 2-5 and my clearer memories of that time period are between ages 4-5.

I don't have any memories of seeing an adult penis and never masturbated until a friend in grade 6 told me how. I was shocked in the 4th grade to find out that men had pubes for example(so this makes me think I never saw a mature male anatomy before then.). I am completely lost and I am tired of living my life in constant paranoia. Does anyone have any idea what could be going on?Thanks.

Submitted December 09, 2018 at 08:08AM by Badluckkk667
via reddit

From The Book of Forgiving by Desmond Tutu – Thought some of you might find this useful. Can’t claim to have gone through the process myself but sometimes when I get down, I look at this diagram. It helps me feel better and gives a sense of hope.


From The Book of Forgiving by Desmond Tutu – Thought some of you might find this useful. Can’t claim to have gone through the process myself but sometimes when I get down, I look at this diagram. It helps me feel better and gives a sense of hope.
https://ift.tt/2UsV8F5

Submitted December 09, 2018 at 07:15AM by discardedyouth88
via reddit

Am I making things worse for myself by writing about abuse?


Am I making things worse for myself by writing about abuse?

I was abused and neglected as a kid and then was in an abusive relationship where I was abused mentally, physically and sexually and raped. It's been some years since we broke up and now I'm in a new relationship.

I really like to write about what happened and read other people's stories about the abuse they went through to find other people who have been through the same as me. My new SO said that because I keep writing about what happened I'm not getting over it. I felt very offended because it's like he's telling me to keep quiet about what happened. Am I really making things worse by writing about it?

Submitted December 09, 2018 at 04:14AM by kilimomo
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Struggling with abuse from a year ago


Struggling with abuse from a year ago

36 year old man from Michigan. Last spring I started talking to a friend of my Exwife, a gay college professor who is nearly a decade older than me, and right out of the gate he let me know that despite finding me attractive he wasn’t going to hit on me or “be that creepy old guy”. I took him at his word because I had no reason not to and he seemed like a really nice guy. I had just gone through a really bad breakup and I felt like I needed a male friend to hang out with so that there would be clear boundaries, since I’m straight, that way I wouldn’t rebound with someone.

He had an African American studies class he was teaching in the summer and he asked me if I wanted to come to it, contribute in hopes of helping the students feel more comfortable talking, and he’d get me dinner and we’d hang out after. I jumped at the idea because the subject interested me and I felt this would be a nice, much needed, stable routine for me. This way I could be prosocial, I wouldn’t isolate, I could help him, and we could have fun.

We’d watch movies in the university’s classes with large screens, we’d go to Qdoba or Noodles and Co for dinner, and we’d hang out and chain smoke and talk about any and everything. It was really nice and eventually we even started engaging in more creative pursuits like critiquing each other’s poetry (not really a thing I’m that into but from time to time I feel compelled to). It felt so good to have someone who valued me for me and it wasn’t transactional or a desire based relationship; I hadn’t had a platonic relationship that was stable in a long time.

I told him that he could have an extremely small amount of an opiate medication I had, just enough to keep him from being violently ill, only because he’s overweight, has Lyme disease, said his kidneys were dying, wouldn’t go to the hospital, and also claimed his heart was significantly enlarged. He would get help and I was worried the stress might kill him. But instead of taking what I gave him, and pumping the brakes, he opted to drink full pint glasses of tequila throughout the afternoon.

Toward the evening he asked me to watch some movies with him. He said he knew it was difficult for me to watch him going through this and said he was going to get beer and I had to drink some with him so he felt less awkward. After watching the movies he was drunk enough that he started crying about his childhood. I went over to hug him and support him…

…and he started kissing my neck. But not just kissing my neck, he had his entire mouth open like a sucker fish. Eventually I moved across the room, still awkwardly talking out of confusion, and I assumed this would embarrass him enough to make him stop. I mean I was visibly embarrassed and started talking about how I needed to leave. He resumed acting normal and starting talking about my trauma as well which, so flustered, made me start crying.

He came over to hug me, sat me down next to him… and did the EXACT SAME THING! But this time when I pulled away he put his hand on my crotch. I can’t actually tell you what he said, or what he asked, but I think we all know what kind of weird it was. I told him I had to leave and was just acting exasperated instead of angry. He said something like “are we going to talk about how you’re responsible for what happened?” and I left.

I tried over and over to block this out of my head. To say it was merely someone who was too messed up. To tell myself “it wasn’t him”. I kept helping him with things here and there, which he’d pay me for, as I was too poor to turn him down. But it turned out I wouldn’t even need to end the friendship because he called me this summer rambling and threatening to call the police on me.

I felt so badly for him I didn’t want to cause more problems because he was struggling so much… but it turns out his kidneys were fine. His heart too. I honestly wonder how much of what he’s said was true. I think he’s just an unmedicated bipolar guy with delusions but that doesn’t explain away his predatory behavior.

I’m with a wonderful girl now who I’m in a serious relationship with and that goes a long way toward removing the shiftiness from my life. I’d spent years sorting out my head so that I could be with someone and not rely on them for my happiness, so it’s stable and fun and wonderful. But what he did keeps creeping into my head and bothering me at the worst moments. There isn’t really anything I can do in terms of him I don’t think… confronting him isn’t probably going to do me any favors… but it’s really been messing with my head of late. I just felt like I needed to put it out into the world in hopes of getting it out of my head.

This kind of thing has happened a number of times with girls and that’s why I was hanging out with a guy. I was SO sure that he would respect my boundaries because he knew I wasn’t any level of interested but obviously he didn’t. It hurts so much to get abused by someone when you’re trying to help them and be their friend. I dunno. Thanks for reading.

Submitted December 09, 2018 at 04:39AM by imdoneplus
via reddit

Starting to heal 25 years later….


Starting to heal 25 years later….

I'm currently 30 years old and finally starting to talk about the unspeakable trauma I faced for 6+ years as a little kid. I told my parents about it, but for whatever reason, they didn't believe me and it continued to happen. I felt that if my own parents didn't believe me, then the other adults in my life wouldn't either. So, I suffered in agony for years.

Since it was never properly dealt with it changed my life in nearly every aspect. I feel that if it were dealt with properly, then my life may have turned out differently. I wouldn't flock to toxic relationships, I wouldn't have run from the healthy relationships, I wouldn't have had my slutty days and I wouldn't go for the older men. As a little girl, I had a friend's grandfather do unspeakable things and now as as adult I tend to gravitate towards older men.

I'm finally starting to talk about what happened. I feel if I continue to not deal with and address what happened then I will never reach one of my ultimate goals. I want to be in long term healthy relationship. I don't know if marriage is my thing, but I want to build a future with a man who I can have a life and family with.

If I continue to hide this deep within me, I will never fully heal. It's going to be painful, but I can do it.

Submitted December 09, 2018 at 02:42AM by thatdarnnumber117
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How do you open up?


How do you open up?

I have only ever told friends about my experiences online (haven't told many people, and nobody who I still see regularly). That was enough to make me terrified and panicky – the response very mixed, and often left me deflated. It has been 12 years since the stuff all took place but I know I need to tell my mum. She might know already, I'm not sure. But I know I will need to talk to her about it at some point. I want to. I just don't know how. No situation that I can imagine won't leave me absolutely panicky and a mess and I don't know if I could even get the words out. I don't know how to open up but I know I need to. I have never said it out loud before.

Submitted December 09, 2018 at 03:11AM by peppertoes
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How to stop empathy completely? It hurts too much to use it because I allow viewpoint of my abusers to be right.


How to stop empathy completely? It hurts too much to use it because I allow viewpoint of my abusers to be right.

I survived childhood sexual abuse, and emotional and physical abuse in school.

I still get emotionally abused every single day by people.

Recently I began using word "psychopath" to describe myself just to wear a cool label in spite of what the abusive world says I am. Word "psychopath" gives people a sensation that the person with this descriptor is strong and independent. So in the morning I was like "I am not medically pathological, but using this label gives me a sense of internal peace because I am incapable of experiencing empathy".

But there is also logical empathy which doesn't require feels. Like it is more of a measurement tool.

So now I am basically trying to understand viewpoint of people who abused me, and get to logical reasons why I am stupid, faggot, retarded, useless, etc. This is not only at conflict with who I used to be in the first half of the day, but also gives me logic to commit suicide.

I guess I just have an unstable sense of self or some kind of personality disorder.

But empathy is useless now still! I want to fix myself before I can understand others.

Submitted December 09, 2018 at 02:53AM by electricplanesodium
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