Im only getting worse over time
It's been 7 years or more since I left my ex. I've since dated around, found a new guy, fallen for him even though I certainly didn't want to at first, and we're now engaged. I love my SO and love the life and family we've built. But I don't know if it's stress from work, commitment issues, being retraumatized when a friend assaulted me a few years ago, or just time… I can't stop reliving my ex.
And I'm reliving it to the point of not being able to tell anymore what is real and what is false memories. I go through long periods of thinking I really started a lot of the arguments, or maybe I was the perpetuator, the emotional abuser and all he did was physical. Then I find some kind of old evidence, like when I was cleaning out my bedroom at my mom's, and found a note he wrote threatening with his blood that I couldn't leave him. Or remembering the physical pain he caused me. Or the sexual things I never wanted to do.
But then I'm back to remembering the times I wished he were dead, or didn't answer his text threats of suicide because deep down I wanted him to die. And how terrible that made me, as a self-proclaimed suicide prevention advocate.
But there's nothing I can do. My SO is going through so much right now, I can't tell him what's happening with me. I can't stress him out more, I genuinely believe that may be the final straw for his own fragile mental health. We have no money for me to seek any professional help anyway. I feel guilty marrying someone under a lie that I'm healthy, and sane, and would be a good wife. That I'm not constantly thinking about my ex and wondering if he's alive or hoping he died when he joined the army. I don't know how much longer I can keep up this charade and keep doing this.
Submitted November 17, 2018 at 12:53PM by DoggoFoggo18