Serious trigger warning. I need to get this out. I need to tell someone. I've never told a anyone any of this. I can't stop thinking about this day over and over again. This is the day my relationship turned from bad and toxic to scary. Before this day, he had been rough with me, threatened to hurt me, threatened to rape me, went further during sex than I wanted to, told me not to leave things like duct tape around because it triggered him to want to rape me, but never went this far.
But I got mad at him one day. He had been lying about something and I caught him. I cursed at him and threw something off his desk onto the floor, like a cup or something. I was mad, so I turned to walk away.
I heard him get up to grab me, so I started to run up the stairs. But he grabbed me by the ankle, and I fell forward onto the steps. I must have kicked him, because he had a bloody nose, and that only pissed him off more. I got him off me on the stairs, and went to run. I almost made it to the back door, but was too fucking slow. I was always slow and chubby. He grabbed my hair, pulled me back, and grabbed my face. He told me "you have no idea who you're fucking with."
He slapped me and pushed me to the floor of the living room. I tried to get up but he kicked my ribs. I rolled over onto my side to try to protect my ribs, but he kicked my stomach, over. And over. Screaming at me.
I must have rolled over and tried to get away, but he grabbed me back and turned me around so I was on my back again. He got on top of me and punched my face before slamming my head into the floor and choking me. He said something, I don't remember what. I blacked out.
I woke back up and my pants were gone. He was fucking me. I just stared at the ceiling, I did nothing to try to get out of it. I just let it happen. I must have blacked out again because I woke up back downstairs some time later, like most of the day later. He was sleeping on the bed next to me, I quietly got up and found my clothes, they were all gone. I left and ran across the street to a friend's house I had met in the hospital when I attempted suicide a few weeks prior. I told him some of what happened, but left out most of it. The friend told me not to go back, I ignored him. I went back. I don't know why, I didn't need to. We didn't have kids. I had family nearby. I had a job and a car. I was not trapped like other women are. I just didn't want to leave. I thought I loved him
When I went back the next day he said the good news was he wasn't going to lie to me anymore. He said "if you can take a raping like that and still come back, there's nothing I could do to make you leave." And "There's no point in lying any more" He always told me from then on when he was cheating, doing something wrong, etc.
I thought about turning him in. I took some pictures on my phone to maybe show the police. But he found them a few days later when he was going through my phone. He said I must want a reminder of what that felt like. He choked me and fucked me again, I begged him not to. He said he didn't know what he liked more, when I tried to fight him off or when I was lifeless and barely breathing. He put his face so close to mine as his hand tightened on my neck and asked me if this is how I wanted to die, by him choking me. He said he knew it turned me on. He let go and masturbated in my mouth when I was trying to catch my breath. I choked on his cum, it tasted like chlorine. I fucking hate it
So I stayed with him after that and he continued to choke me during sex. He stopped threatening me by holding knives to my throat but with guns to my head and my underwear. He said I released a monster in him, by treating him badly. He said he never wanted to actually rape me before or beat me so badly, but I triggered him when I cursed at him that day, and that ever since the monster inside of him woke up. That now that he's had a taste he can't stop.
Eventually I ran away and tried to go to the police. I was told I had no evidence and that it likely wouldn't go anywhere being a "he said/she said" case. I gave up. He had deleted my pictures. He's probably hurting another girl because I woke up this monster inside him, and I didn't do anything to stop it.
If that girl is here trying to get away from him, I'm so sorry. I think I'm the one that did this to you