Abuse and Illness
This is going to be a touch stream of consciousness, I apologise.
When I was 10, my dad sat me down and told me he was going to divorce my mother. I only collected scraps of what was a difficult talk for him as I had previous metric for it with friends and happy family units, at least as far as I could tell. The sticking point from it was that my mother was “not well” or “sick”. She stayed in bed seemingly throughout days she wasn’t on shift an increasing amount, but I never got a name from Dad. Just Sick. Considerably later on, he’d call it paranoid schizophrenia.
What followed from the separation coming about was violent outbursts of shouting and smashing ceramics or glass, her taking me and my brother away while he was at work or grabbing dinner on one of his allotted nights respectively, and a cacophony of loud scary shit in general. When given the option at 12 as to which parent to keep with, I stayed with my mother out of emotional blackmail. Where her manipulation and my self affliction ended and began is hard to discern. The thing was she was rapidly running out of allies, family was starting to turn us away. I needed to stay so she had somebody.
A few times, she insisted my younger brother and I sleep in her bed with her. The only reason I remember being given one of the times was “little men on the roof”. Weird, but not seemingly abusive. Inside a horseshoe of increasing accusations and diminishing friends, it was just accepted. Come a night when I was 13, she might’ve believed I was asleep, I don’t know. I remember a kiss on the mouth with a tongue pushing and a weight across my groin, and very little else. I pretended to be asleep.
I felt I had to get the incident in writing, but also try and frame the disorder surrounding it. She’s since passed away, and I have opened up to my best friend a little bit ago as I figured it can’t hurt anyone anymore. I had this idea ingrained that there was, drawing from earlier and better memories, a loving person buried underneath disease. And I don’t know whether that’s a healthy ideal to hold. I’d thought I’d see what people here thought. Even if you don’t have the answer, thank you for reading. Certain feelings came rushing back tonight.
Submitted November 30, 2018 at 06:42PM by dimefable