Someone please help me out: was I molested??
So, I haven't seen a therapist about this yet because frankly, I'm scared that this wasn't CSA and I'm just a fucking weirdo or something. I'm hoping someone here can give me some insight?
Anyway, here goes.
When we were kids, my parents would often leave my older brother and I home alone for long stretches of time. We used to be pretty close, but then we eventually grew apart. Looking back, I see us growing apart coincided with him asking me to do sexual things with him. He would grab my (barely developing) breasts, touch my genitals both through and under my pants, expose his genitals to me, and sometimes take my hand and put it on his penis. There was at least one time where he told me to give him a handjob, and I am mortified to say I gave him (most of) one before I chickened out and ran away.
The earliest incident I can remember was when I was 10 and he was 12, but I don't know if that was really the first time, because the incidents were spread out over at least 2 years, and my memories of most of them are pretty foggy. So it's possible there were some earlier ones that I'm forgetting.
Here's why I'm doubtful: I think I technically did consent (sometimes in that I didn't say no, sometimes because I thought I should), so if it was molestation, it would have to be based on power dynamics. RAINN says that a sibling is in a position of power if they are at least 3 years older; my brother was TECHNICALLY born 3 years before me, but he's a December kid and I'm a January kid, so it's more like 2 years + one month. It's so borderline and we are so close in age that I don't really know – the only reason it is suspicious to me in the first place is because a few months ago, I had the epiphany that 10-year-olds can't consent.
I don't know, I wish there was a cut-and-dry answer, but there isn't, and that drives me insane. I'm scared if I tell someone, they'll tell me that it's not assault. But honestly, I'm even more scared that they'll tell me what I think is true – and I'm not sure I can handle the implications of that.
Submitted November 30, 2018 at 02:09AM by itsRAINNingmen