Questioning my childhood experience? PLEASE help
So, this has been on my mind a lot lately and I was wondering if anyone had thoughts… For a while, I used to wonder if I'd had some form of childhood sexual abuse that I'd repressed (even though I've read that that's kind of a myth). I have a HORRIBLE relationship with sex, am terrified of it, I am an adult and while most of my friends are getting married, I am a virgin who is terrified of sex. I hate when people talk about sex around me. As a kid, I was also terrified of men (I wouldn't let my mother leave me alone with my Uncle, who I now know is a gay man and who I seriously doubt would have hurt me). Other men as well, male teachers, everyone. I still am, not so much afraid but I don't really like men very much.
I've started thinking about this other thing too. When I was very, very young (like as long as I can remember) I was really turned on by the thought of people peeing their pants. Fine, whatever, it's a pretty common fetish.
The thing is, from the age of like, 4 to probably 7ish, I would always fall asleep in bed with my dad, and I would ask him to tell me stories about people peeing their pants. This was totally my request, I don't think he encouraged it at all, but he was happy to do it and had an endless bank of stories he would make up. While he told me those stories, I would masturbate until I finished, and then go to sleep. It makes me really uncomfortable to think back that I would masturbate to stories my dad told me, but I'm not sure if he knew that's what I was doing. I think he must have (I used to also masturbate sometimes when my mom was in the room, and she would always tell me "please don't do that while I'm in the room, it's okay when you're alone," and once I asked her how she knew I was doing it and she said she could hear it. SO, my dad must have known that's what I was doing, right?).
It's worth mentioning my dad is also a (now recovering) sex addict… He's an amazing man and I've always had a great relationship with him so I hate thinking of this story, but it makes me uncomfortable… Sometimes I wonder if he knew exactly what was happening and enjoyed it… Which is really devastating. But I have no way of knowing.
What do you think?
Submitted November 30, 2018 at 04:53AM by thatnaggingthought