I want to lay everything out but I’m not sure if things would get worse.
Hi, I am a 30-year-old, gay man, and still a 'virgin' (I suppose). I was also forced to undertake sexual acts when I was 4 by a 16-year-old, and it is one of my earliest memories, though it is still very fuzzy in places.
I've been able to put a brave face on things, I can handle talking about sex, can joke about it and discuss it with friends. I've been able to shed the anxiety and low self-esteem regarding my general, non-sex, life that plagued me up until a year or two ago. The fact remains though, that I'm still alone, and it's eating at me.
My friends have told me I'm not a bad looking guy, and on most good days I can believe them. I've had one attempt at a relationship years ago, whilst he was a nice guy I couldn't stomach anything in the bedroom. As soon as things move in that direction I start having a panic attack like I'm being started on to fight, making anything in the sex area a bit of a non-starter.
I feel that any hope of a relationship is falling through the floor, and I am really starting to get fiercely reminded that I've missed out on what could have been a lot of great years of exploration and fun if it wasn't for the memories and lack of self-esteem. My mother didn't even confirm what had happened until I was 26 (under advice from early 90's social workers) until then I wasn't even sure if it happened or if it was some recurring nightmare.
I really hate being gay, I feel I almost exclusively fall for straight guys, and the general vibe I get from the gay community is predatory. Everything is about sex, something that feels, to me, pretty damn violent. I want to have sex, I'm not asexual, I definitely have some libido, and I have sexual fantasies, and as stated above, I am attracted to certain guys. But whenever anything happens in real-life, in extreme cases even flirting, I feel my throat close up and start shaking. I hate it, and I want more than anything to get over it, but I can't see a way.
Friends advise that I try dating, but to me, dating is always with the implicit agreement that sex is involved at some point, usually quickly. I really don't think I have the endurance to go through feeling mortified in the bedroom repeatedly in the vain hope that I'll somehow become desensitised to it, when it may do the opposite. That isn't fair on the other parties either who are probably expecting someone who isn't wreck in bed.
It's not really a huge secret, at least among my friends just how inexperienced I am. I have always hated keeping secrets, and compared to my others, that fact I'm still a virgin is truthfully pretty fucking low-tier on the scale of shit I've had to keep quiet about. However, it still bothers me, and I can help feeling an undercurrent of pity from others.
It's that pity I hate most of all, I'm sick and tired of pity, from my own self-pity I mostly managed to shed to other's pity at my being romantically hopeless; I want understanding instead. Coming public about my abuse might help foster it, but the possibility also exists however that no one will ever want to touch me once they learn how deeply fucked-up I am, and any hope of ever finding someone will be gone forever.
It's this that really tears me apart inside and I can't stand it any longer.
What the fuck do I do?
Submitted December 11, 2018 at 04:09AM by AudientVoid