I want to lay everything out but I’m not sure if things would get worse.


I want to lay everything out but I’m not sure if things would get worse.

Hi, I am a 30-year-old, gay man, and still a 'virgin' (I suppose). I was also forced to undertake sexual acts when I was 4 by a 16-year-old, and it is one of my earliest memories, though it is still very fuzzy in places.

I've been able to put a brave face on things, I can handle talking about sex, can joke about it and discuss it with friends. I've been able to shed the anxiety and low self-esteem regarding my general, non-sex, life that plagued me up until a year or two ago. The fact remains though, that I'm still alone, and it's eating at me.

My friends have told me I'm not a bad looking guy, and on most good days I can believe them. I've had one attempt at a relationship years ago, whilst he was a nice guy I couldn't stomach anything in the bedroom. As soon as things move in that direction I start having a panic attack like I'm being started on to fight, making anything in the sex area a bit of a non-starter.

I feel that any hope of a relationship is falling through the floor, and I am really starting to get fiercely reminded that I've missed out on what could have been a lot of great years of exploration and fun if it wasn't for the memories and lack of self-esteem. My mother didn't even confirm what had happened until I was 26 (under advice from early 90's social workers) until then I wasn't even sure if it happened or if it was some recurring nightmare.

I really hate being gay, I feel I almost exclusively fall for straight guys, and the general vibe I get from the gay community is predatory. Everything is about sex, something that feels, to me, pretty damn violent. I want to have sex, I'm not asexual, I definitely have some libido, and I have sexual fantasies, and as stated above, I am attracted to certain guys. But whenever anything happens in real-life, in extreme cases even flirting, I feel my throat close up and start shaking. I hate it, and I want more than anything to get over it, but I can't see a way.

Friends advise that I try dating, but to me, dating is always with the implicit agreement that sex is involved at some point, usually quickly. I really don't think I have the endurance to go through feeling mortified in the bedroom repeatedly in the vain hope that I'll somehow become desensitised to it, when it may do the opposite. That isn't fair on the other parties either who are probably expecting someone who isn't wreck in bed.

It's not really a huge secret, at least among my friends just how inexperienced I am. I have always hated keeping secrets, and compared to my others, that fact I'm still a virgin is truthfully pretty fucking low-tier on the scale of shit I've had to keep quiet about. However, it still bothers me, and I can help feeling an undercurrent of pity from others.

It's that pity I hate most of all, I'm sick and tired of pity, from my own self-pity I mostly managed to shed to other's pity at my being romantically hopeless; I want understanding instead. Coming public about my abuse might help foster it, but the possibility also exists however that no one will ever want to touch me once they learn how deeply fucked-up I am, and any hope of ever finding someone will be gone forever.

It's this that really tears me apart inside and I can't stand it any longer.

What the fuck do I do?

Submitted December 11, 2018 at 04:09AM by AudientVoid
via reddit

Naked shame


Naked shame

I really wanna get this out because I just can't say it out loud. I hate my mom and family for never truely acknowledging the extent of what a step-dad put me through for years and nobody noticed a thing. I remember one time I forgot to feed and water the dogs after school, I think I may have been 9 or 10. It was kinda cold and raining. When he got home after dark and found out, he made me go do it. on my way back in he poured a gallon bucket of ice water on my head from the window and locked me out the house. After about 5 mins he told me "now that's how the dogs feel, strip naked and you can come in"….. I didn't wanna take my clothes off but I was cold and I was scared he'd come outside and beat the shit out of me if I didn't. Once naked he opens the door for me but tells me to sit down at the table and gives me a napkin to cover my penis and what not. Then he says that's probably too big, you've got a tiny dick (as an adult I do not have a small penis, it's slight larger than average and was probably average at the time, nevertheless I'm still self conscious and ashamed of my body to this day 20 years later). I know he didn't overtly sexually abuse me but it messed me up, I don't really remember what else happened besides he made me eat like that and I'm sure he beat me after. It was like that for about 3 or 4 years, it's all a blur. yes he went to court, but for beating my mom. nobody ever really talked about it, nobody ever got me any help. I just sank further inside myself and continually ruined my life into adulthood. nothing has ever changed…. I finally realized today that I guess my mom and family were always too self absorbed by their own problems to think I ever needed help…. If you read this long, thank you. I've never told that story to a soul and probably never will in real life. Not even sure if I'll live to ever get past it. This along with many other incidents has completely defined my life. I live in constant state of agitation and fear.

Submitted December 11, 2018 at 02:28AM by Shattered_Persona
via reddit

Study on Posttraumatic Growth for Male Survivors of Sexual Violence


Study on Posttraumatic Growth for Male Survivors of Sexual Violence

MALE PARTICIPANTS NEEDED

Have you experienced sexual violence at some point in your life?

Are you currently seeking services and/or support from a Sexual Violence Organization within Canada?

Are you 18 years or older and identify as a male?

Your help is needed in a confidential study!

Researchers from the University of Ottawa are conducting a study aimed at understanding posttraumatic growth (the experience of positive changes in one’s life following a traumatic incident) and associated factors for male survivors of sexual violence.

This is a two-part questionnaire and should take no longer than 30 minutes to complete each time. This study is being conducted independently of any sexual violence organization.

To participate in this confidential study, please visit: https://posttraumaticgrowth.limequery.com/254176?lang=en

For more information, please contact:

Samantha Cima

Phone: 778-388-4905

Email: [scima017@uottawa.ca](mailto:scima017@uottawa.ca)

David Joubert

Phone: 613-562-5800 ext. 1803

Email: [david.joubert@uottawa.ca](mailto:david.joubert@uottawa.ca)

Submitted December 10, 2018 at 10:13PM by samanthacima
via reddit

Weekly Casual Chat Thread


Weekly Casual Chat Thread

Please use this thread to discuss whatever is on your mind.

Please also make sure to use Trigger Warning/TW if you're posting anything that might be upsetting to read.

Thanks!

Submitted December 10, 2018 at 09:42PM by AutoModerator
via reddit

Weekly Casual Chat Thread


Weekly Casual Chat Thread

Please use this thread to discuss whatever is on your mind.

Please also make sure to use Trigger Warning/TW if you're posting anything that might be upsetting to read.

Thanks!

Submitted December 10, 2018 at 09:42PM by AutoModerator
via reddit

My story. Questioning if I am really am a victim.


My story. Questioning if I am really am a victim.

I was circumcised in the third grade.

Some time at the age of 10 I told my mom it burned when I peed. She took me to the doctor which then turned into a later appointment to a specialist. The final diagnosis was that my foreskin was restrictive and causing infections. When I was born the doctors could not perform the circumcision due to my small size. I heard at one point that it was because I was born 2 weeks early. I dont think the 2 weeks would have made me any bigger maybe I just had a small penis.

So I was going to have the surgery. There were several doctors appointments at the local children hospital. I would go with my father after school and would be examined by the doctor. Which include me standing up and dropping my pants so the doctor could look and touch my groin area. I remember at least 5 visits and I was not examined every time. Yes it was medical and in no way sexual but it these were very stressful appointments for a young boy. Sometime my father would have to leave me there to pickup the rest of my sibling from school or my mom from work. I remember having to ask a resident doctor how to pee into a cup for testing. lol

Was told I would be in recovery for 2 week and I wouldn't be able to wear pant. My mother being the worst person on the planet scheduled the surgery for Christmas vacation so I wouldn't miss any school. The day before surgery I couldn't eat. Got to the hospital the next morning. In a room and had doctors and nurses checking up on me. Got dressed in a gown and laid in bed till it was time. Wheeled into the operating room. The nurse puts the mask on me and tells me to count backwards from 10. I wake up back in the hospital room with a iv in my arm and bandages around my penis. Some time later I get dressed and wheeled to the car. Anything that touched me caused intense pain.

Maybe the next day or the day after I was back at the hospital to have the bandages changed. In a room by myself and female resident is there to remove the bandages. I had some interaction with her before. So i lay down on the table and pull down my pants. As she starts to remove the bandages I start to scream at the top of my lungs. I was crying and screaming to stop but she never did. I grabbed her hand and tried to pull it away but I wasn't strong enough. I remember a glove hand picking off stuck lint and that hurting the most. I was so exhausted afterwards and was probably in shock. So I was in a room alone with an adult I didn't know very well. Who was touching my sex organ, causing extreme pain while screaming for it to stop. Its a situation that is very similar to other stories I have read.

The two weeks recovery ended up being four. I missed some school and I lied to my friends and teachers about why I was gone for those two weeks. My parents told me not to tell anyone so I had to lie. Being behind the rest of the class in the lessons was also very stressful. I felt a lot of shame and embarrassment about the whole situation. I always rejected the idea that I was a victim. Being that it was in a medical context some how invalidated the severity or the possibility that it was abuse. Maybe I am in denial so I wanted to ask others their opinion.

Submitted December 10, 2018 at 11:12AM by ASDQWDBGAsdasd
via reddit

Holiday Hell?


Holiday Hell?

Anyone else out there having a particularly hard time coping this holiday season? It took me 33 years to be able to finally connect the dots of all of my personality and psychological issues stemming from childhood trauma and to start actively recognizing it and trying to adjust. This year I’m having a particularly hard time being around people, connecting, feeling happy, even remembering simple things. I’m on extreme edge and everyone around me seems to think I’m just being a selfish asshole. I really need support but I look for it in people that cannot/will not understand or give what I’m asking. Any tips?

Submitted December 10, 2018 at 04:03AM by Throwaway19850124
via reddit

Talk Abuse Talk Awareness


Talk Abuse Talk Awareness

Hey there!

So, my best friend and I are uni students, and my friend went through abuse from a guy she was seeing about 6 months ago. She escaped from him with no help from the police, the uni didn't expell her abuser but they did support her a lot, and her mental health has changed dramatically because of the things he put her through.

She got annoyed that there isn't as much support online for people who have been through certain types of abuse. A lot of online support is around domestic abuse, sexual assault, child abuse and bullying, but none for "a person I trusted used me and attacked me for months on end." And because of this, and the social idea of what abuse is, people are less willing to help. If my friend's abuser was her boyfriend, then everyone would have acted differently. But it was just a guy she was seeing; a friend.

So, with her frustration, my friend started up an online network for those who are looking for advice, a safe place to talk freely, and to make friends with other abuse victims and survivors. It's called 'Talk Abuse Talk Awareness', and she has pages on Facebook, Instagram and Tumblr that people can connect on.

My friend has been campaigning quite a lot to try and get this community out there, because she wants to help those affected by abuse, and to educate society about the misconceptions and the truths about abuse. My friend has done photoshoots with my other friends in a campaign dubbed "My confidence is not your consent," and she is sticking the posters made from the photoshoots around our university campus.

So, real talk: I'm making this post right now cause she asked me to see if I can find as artists who would help out with the campaign. Now, I am fully aware of how frustrating it is for people to beg artists for work. I've lived in the online artist community for a while and it's the bane of our existence. I told my friend that she would most likely get "no" as an answer from a lot of artists if we were to ask on an artist subreddit, so that's why I'm posting here. Because even though she wants artists, I believe it is more important that Talk Abuse Talk Awareness is known about and that people know there is a place to talk openly about any sort of abuse, or just a place to go to educate yourself more about abuse and survivors.

So yeah, if you happen to be/know an artist and would be interested in helping out the campaign with free art, then you're a star! And if you're like most artists and want commission, then I don't blame you. My friend and I are filmmakers, and we know making an entire film for free sounds ridiculous.

Sorry about the art begging. Ugh, hate myself for doing it. But it's more important that you know about the network. Talk Abuse Talk Awareness is on Facebook, Instagram and Tumblr.

Thank you guys!

(Note to Admins: Feel free to delete this post if you don't want it here or you feel like it goes against any rules of this subreddit. I understand how annoying posts like this are, so feel free, and by any means message me if you would like any more information about Talk Abuse Talk Awareness, if you need it's authenticity clarifying. Thank you 😊)

Submitted December 10, 2018 at 04:49AM by StoryQueen97
via reddit

Helping my girlfriend face the past


Helping my girlfriend face the past

My girlfriend of 5 years decided yesterday that she wanted to face what had happened to her in the past.

Namely, a decade ago (give or take), when she was 15, she had a tutor for school who would endlessly force sexual discussions, touch her knees and so on, and would likely have done worse if she hadn't always been on the lookout to avoid giving him the chance to. This even led her to attempt suicide, in a fortunately botched attempt that only she and I know about (thanks to the nature of her attempt, she passed it off as a bad stomachache). She never managed to talk about it, but she would try to stop lessons with the guy under various pretenses, to no avail.

Now, she has begun realising that the experience still haunts her, even if subtly, and wants to work to get over it.

Her first concern is sharing it with her family. Still living with and being financially supoorted by them, postponing it isn't an option, let alone a good one. But this poses issues.

First off, the parents' likely guilt. He was their recomendation, and they could react negatively out of guilt, trying not to believe it or go after the guy (which is something she doesn't want or care about, she just wants to be well. I'd be the first in line to, uh, cause semi-permanent physical injury to him, but her wishes are what they are). They can be less than easy people when stressed, and sge fears losing control of the situation. And then there's the issue of her sister, who had the same tutor. Whether he acted like that with the sister too is unknown to us, but the way my girlfriend sees it, either answer carries its problems.

So, how should we approach this?

Submitted December 10, 2018 at 04:15AM by Xhosant
via reddit

Tryin to find a good subreddit for one of my untold stories.


Tryin to find a good subreddit for one of my untold stories.

I really wanna get this out because I just can't say it out loud. I hate my mom and family for never truely acknowledging the extent of what a step-dad put me through for years and nobody noticed a thing. I remember one time I forgot to feed and water the dogs after school, I think I may have been 9 or 10. It was kinda cold and raining. When he got home after dark and found out, he made me go do it. on my way back in he poured a gallon bucket of ice water on my head from the window and locked me out the house. After about 5 mins he told me "now that's how the dogs feel, strip naked and you can come in"….. I didn't wanna take my clothes off but I was cold and I was scared he'd come outside and beat the shit out of me if I didn't. Once naked he opens the door for me but tells me to sit down at the table and gives me a napkin to cover my penis and what not. Then he says that's probably too big, you've got a tiny dick (as an adult I do not have a small penis, it's slight larger than average and was probably average at the time, nevertheless I'm still self conscious and ashamed of my body to this day 20 years later). I know he didn't sexually abuse me but it messed me up, I don't really remember what else happened besides he made me eat like that and I'm sure he beat me after. It was like that for about 3 or 4 years, it's all a blur. yes he went to court, but for beating my mom. nobody ever really talked about it, nobody ever got me any help. I just sank further inside myself and continually ruined my life into adulthood. nothing has ever changed…. I finally realized today that I guess my mom and family were always too self absorbed by their own problems to think I ever needed help…. If you read this long, thank you. I've never told that story to a soul and probably never will in real life. Not even sure if I'll live to ever get past it.

Submitted December 09, 2018 at 10:48PM by Shattered_Persona
via reddit