I want to finally remove my brothers from my life, but it will destroy so many people.
I (25 F) was abused by two of my three brothers from the age of 7 or 8 until I was about 12. It started with the oldest one (9 years older than me) and one time the next oldest one (6 years older than me) walked in and caught him. Rather than stopping it, saying anything about it, or telling our parents, a few weeks later he also started to abuse me separately from the other one. That devastates me. That he didn't even bother trying to protect me but he decided to just use me for his own purposes. I can't understand what I could have possibly done to deserve that. The people who were supposed to protect me and take care of me hurt me more than anyone ever could. I could never get away from it since it was coming from two ways. At home, on vacations, it didn't seem to matter.
I remember trying to put stuffed animal barriers and the cushion off of my window seat around my bed but that never stopped them. I don't know if my parents knew. If they did…I'll never forgive them for not stopping it. There is a part of me that feels like my mom may have thought something might've been happening but never asked. Never tried to intervene.
The thing is…our family….from the outside looking in we must seem like the ideal family. My parents are well liked and respected. They fawn over us all the time saying how lucky they are to have such wonderful children who are such good people and get along so well. I have maintained, I guess as a way of coping? a relationship with both of them. One of them is married and I was even in their wedding. Everyone thinks I am best friends with my brothers and I have never spoken about them in a hateful way. Again I think I felt like if I pretended it didn't happen….it didn't happen.
About a year ago I had a breakdown and realized how self destructive a lot of my behaviour was. My academic career completely slipped and although I was never completely failing I could never finish or even start projects or focus on studying and if I created problems elsewhere in my life then I could avoid the obvious one chasing me for 16 years. In my relationships I was always incredibly closed off and although I have started to share my story with a few people I have not been able to fully shake them from my life.
The oldest brother sometimes behaves towards me in ways that make me uncomfortable. I live in the same city as him again and so I have to see him a lot more. I even work for the same company as him although we work at different locations. The second oldest is married. And I know their intentions are to have children one day. The scares me so much. I do NOT want any child to EVER have to go through what I went through and if I can preemptively stop that then I would like to do so.
It would completely destroy so many peoples lives if I let this get out. So many friendships and relationships destroyed. People I love may really question their abilities to trust, may even need therapy. My parents would be devastated, blame themselves even. I just don't have it in me to hurt people and I don't want to put anyone through the agony I have gone through but I also don't think I can do this alone any longer or keep this to myself any longer. I do not want to have any kind of a relationship with either but I know it would confuse so many people because we always seemed so close. Why did I maintain such a close relationship?? I don't understand that part of myself because I am carrying so much hatred and anger towards them. But I just can't do this anymore. Christmas is coming up and I don't want to buy them gifts. Talk to them or see them. I don't want my brother to come over to my place to celebrate as we had planned. I want nothing to do with him. But how do I go about this delicately? I don't want to drop this on everyone during Christmas. But I can't protect these two any more. They did something horrible and disgusting to me and I fear they believe they have gotten away with it. I can't even hear their names without shuddering anymore.
What do I do.
Submitted December 06, 2018 at 10:45AM by CarelessLychee