Its eating me up.

Its eating me up.

I am really in a bad situation right now and I want to get some advices. I was sexually abused since I was really young so I didnt even remember how it started. I was probably either 5 or 6 at that time and the guy was in his early 20s. He was living at my house cause he is my dad’s cousin and he was my caretaker. We never had sex or anything but we would make out whenever we had a chance. There were times when he would play with my upper body. This went on for about 9 years at most, until I turned 14 and I came to America. When I was 12, I realize that I was doing something wrong and I should not be doing things with this guy but I kept letting it happen. So when I came to America, I felt like I could finally get away from him and I never have to see him again.

So fast forward, I told my boyfriend (right now ex) that I was sexually abused by my uncle and he told me that its really fucked up and I should never see him again. Earlier this year, I went back to my country because of my brother’s wedding and I met him and his family. He has gotten a lot older now since its been 8 years after I have left my country and he has his own family.

At that moment, I realized that I have made a big mistake because to this day, this has been bothering me whenever I think about sex. I came from a really strict Asian family so I told myself that I can never confess to my parents because that I thought that its my fault. And I didnt want to tell them cause I dont want them to kill my uncle. Idk what they will do but I am scared of the unknown consequences.

Current: I am a sexually active person and I think that I am the way I am cause of my past. Since I am Asian and I look like I am 15 although I am 22, I always get looked weirdly by older people so that does not help with my dealings with my past.

Therefore, I an really confused and emotional because lately I will have these mental breakdowns and I will start talking to my friends about it but it still eats me up. I am really scared to confess to my parents because they are really traditional and my mom does not know that I had sex with several guys and she always tells me not to sleep with my ex bf when I was with him.

But one thing for sure is that I will definitely not going to see him ever again. And I want to heal. I dont know if confessing to my parents will heal me or not. I want to feel like I am normal again. I know that me being sexually active comes from my trauma and I want to move on. I think that I have not healed myself because whenever I think about myself, all these memories would come back.

Submitted December 07, 2018 at 03:00PM by julykiss
via reddit

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