Struggling, I can’t trust myself.

Struggling, I can’t trust myself.

To start my name is Evan, I am 18 and in my senior year of high school. I apologize if i break any rules in this passage or if it is confusing, i struggle with writing and sharing my thoughts effectively.

I have a good life, I have two jobs, i do my school work, I have a wonderful girlfriend that i have been with for almost a year, I have a therapist my mother is a social worker who is very understanding and emotionally available. I have just been struggling for the past 7 years with intense depression and anxiety. I think most of it comes from my sexual abuse that my next door neighbor, and close family friend did to me. I can remember as early as when he first moved in when i was around 8 years old and it stopped happening frequently around the age of 12, but i contacted my abuser when i was 15 with the intent to have sex with him again because I thought at the time I liked what had been forced upon me for years. I was already depressed and suicidal before the last encounter when i was 15, but when we started to have sex that last time, he put his hand on my crouch and my immediate response was to grab his hand and force him away. I told him i wanted him to leave while i was curled up in a ball on my bed. He didn't understand, I'm guessing because i hadn't ever objected he thought i liked it the entire time. I don't blame him he is only 6 years older than me. Ever sense that day my mind has only gotten more distort and chaotic. I lost my consensual virginity to a random 22 year old guy i met on grinder before i turned 16. I enjoyed it, but i was shaking almost the entire time with anxiety. He didn't say anything he just kept going and continued to ejaculate inside of me, this made me uncomfortable because he was not addressing my anxious state but I almost ejaculated myself while he was inside of me. I continued to have sex with men, not often because my sexual trauma has slowly made me scared of men and my male sexual urges. I am now at a state where i cant even look at the gay porn on my laptop without physically cringing and thinking about myself being forced onto my abuser and my abuser forcing himself on me. I want to kill all men, i want to cut off every fucking cock, I want to stop sexuality for everyone. Sex is still fun with my girlfriend but even when we are having sex, even tho she is a woman its still hard sometimes to stay in the moment and not drift off into the flash back panic mind set. I don't know what im trying to look for, or how im going to help myself, I cant trust my mind. Everyday i am thinking or elaborate ways i can push my family and friends away so i can kill myself without hurting anyone too badly. I have been abusing substances to deal with my mental state sense ninth grade and have attempted suicide in times that i was not feeling to bad and i was intoxicated. I didn't plan ahead or anything I just did it. I'm scared that i will only sprial more and more and I will make an attempt that will most certainly result in my death. I would love to die and not have to live and recover but i have to for my girlfriend my closest friend and my mother and father. Again like I said I dont know what i want i just watn to not be thinking of sex and sexual abuse every day , i dont want to wake up every morning wishing I fuckking suffocated during the night. I don't want to just truck on. This world is awful and the human race is fucking doomed as long as there are cocks and a sexual dirve. If you read this entire thing i just want you to comment and just try and make me feel better. Im scared and confused and so fucking sad, i just, i dont know.

Submitted December 07, 2018 at 10:19AM by Epoman420
via reddit

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