What do i need to do for recovery?
I was abused from the time I was an infant to around four years old. There were times I was able to move and was held down and times that I remember being frozen in still terror, being shushed, hearing "it's almost over" (it makes me antsy just typing that) having my head covered at times, while other times being made to look up. Fear, guilt, shame and frozen terror are among my earliest memories.
There were a few other sexual type things I was exposed to as a child, but what happened in those first years was by far the worst of it.
I always knew about sex, and pretended that I didn't. Wanting so hard to have the innocence that I was robbed of. I knew that being three years old and being aware of it wasn't normal, and I also knew to NEVER EVER bring anything up, and was made to believe that anything pertaining to sex was this horrible, secret, terrible thing that you never speak of.
I would always have trouble going to sleep and letting my guard down, because this would happen while I would try to sleep. Over the course of my life I'd randomly wake up screaming, feel like someone punched me in the face, or have to run to a light source. Even now as an adult, I get this instinctive wave of fear when a room suddenly turns dark because there's a part of me that thinks someone will get me.
This year I finally accepted that I was sexually abused, and the night terrors began happening more. I accepted that the abuse is the cause of it. Now the night terrors have been happening almost every night, but in a lesser form.
I fear sex. Whenever a show is on TV that gets a little too sexual, the series Shameless comes to mind, I get that instinctive wave of fear and guilt. I used to always feel sadness too, but that has pretty much gone away. It takes me back to what happened, and I don't think I'll ever be able to not feel scared by it.
As a late teenager was the last time I was intimate with anyone, and I was terrified. They were nice, it was consensual. But I knew that the amount of fear I was feeling was more than what a person was supposed to feel when losing their virginity. When that relationship ended, I haven't been with anyone since, and really don't want to.
I really don't know where to being when it comes to recovering from this. I feel that finally accepting what happened to me has helped, but I still struggle with these issues.
Submitted December 07, 2018 at 06:50AM by RBNrealestate