I want to lay everything out but I’m not sure if things would get worse.

I want to lay everything out but I’m not sure if things would get worse.

Hi, I am a 30-year-old, gay man, and still a 'virgin' (I suppose). I was also forced to undertake sexual acts when I was 4 by a 16-year-old, and it is one of my earliest memories, though it is still very fuzzy in places.

I've been able to put a brave face on things, I can handle talking about sex, can joke about it and discuss it with friends. I've been able to shed the anxiety and low self-esteem regarding my general, non-sex, life that plagued me up until a year or two ago. The fact remains though, that I'm still alone, and it's eating at me.

My friends have told me I'm not a bad looking guy, and on most good days I can believe them. I've had one attempt at a relationship years ago, whilst he was a nice guy I couldn't stomach anything in the bedroom. As soon as things move in that direction I start having a panic attack like I'm being started on to fight, making anything in the sex area a bit of a non-starter.

I feel that any hope of a relationship is falling through the floor, and I am really starting to get fiercely reminded that I've missed out on what could have been a lot of great years of exploration and fun if it wasn't for the memories and lack of self-esteem. My mother didn't even confirm what had happened until I was 26 (under advice from early 90's social workers) until then I wasn't even sure if it happened or if it was some recurring nightmare.

I really hate being gay, I feel I almost exclusively fall for straight guys, and the general vibe I get from the gay community is predatory. Everything is about sex, something that feels, to me, pretty damn violent. I want to have sex, I'm not asexual, I definitely have some libido, and I have sexual fantasies, and as stated above, I am attracted to certain guys. But whenever anything happens in real-life, in extreme cases even flirting, I feel my throat close up and start shaking. I hate it, and I want more than anything to get over it, but I can't see a way.

Friends advise that I try dating, but to me, dating is always with the implicit agreement that sex is involved at some point, usually quickly. I really don't think I have the endurance to go through feeling mortified in the bedroom repeatedly in the vain hope that I'll somehow become desensitised to it, when it may do the opposite. That isn't fair on the other parties either who are probably expecting someone who isn't wreck in bed.

It's not really a huge secret, at least among my friends just how inexperienced I am. I have always hated keeping secrets, and compared to my others, that fact I'm still a virgin is truthfully pretty fucking low-tier on the scale of shit I've had to keep quiet about. However, it still bothers me, and I can help feeling an undercurrent of pity from others.

It's that pity I hate most of all, I'm sick and tired of pity, from my own self-pity I mostly managed to shed to other's pity at my being romantically hopeless; I want understanding instead. Coming public about my abuse might help foster it, but the possibility also exists however that no one will ever want to touch me once they learn how deeply fucked-up I am, and any hope of ever finding someone will be gone forever.

It's this that really tears me apart inside and I can't stand it any longer.

What the fuck do I do?

Submitted December 11, 2018 at 04:09AM by AudientVoid
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Naked shame

Naked shame

I really wanna get this out because I just can't say it out loud. I hate my mom and family for never truely acknowledging the extent of what a step-dad put me through for years and nobody noticed a thing. I remember one time I forgot to feed and water the dogs after school, I think I may have been 9 or 10. It was kinda cold and raining. When he got home after dark and found out, he made me go do it. on my way back in he poured a gallon bucket of ice water on my head from the window and locked me out the house. After about 5 mins he told me "now that's how the dogs feel, strip naked and you can come in"….. I didn't wanna take my clothes off but I was cold and I was scared he'd come outside and beat the shit out of me if I didn't. Once naked he opens the door for me but tells me to sit down at the table and gives me a napkin to cover my penis and what not. Then he says that's probably too big, you've got a tiny dick (as an adult I do not have a small penis, it's slight larger than average and was probably average at the time, nevertheless I'm still self conscious and ashamed of my body to this day 20 years later). I know he didn't overtly sexually abuse me but it messed me up, I don't really remember what else happened besides he made me eat like that and I'm sure he beat me after. It was like that for about 3 or 4 years, it's all a blur. yes he went to court, but for beating my mom. nobody ever really talked about it, nobody ever got me any help. I just sank further inside myself and continually ruined my life into adulthood. nothing has ever changed…. I finally realized today that I guess my mom and family were always too self absorbed by their own problems to think I ever needed help…. If you read this long, thank you. I've never told that story to a soul and probably never will in real life. Not even sure if I'll live to ever get past it. This along with many other incidents has completely defined my life. I live in constant state of agitation and fear.

Submitted December 11, 2018 at 02:28AM by Shattered_Persona
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Study on Posttraumatic Growth for Male Survivors of Sexual Violence

Study on Posttraumatic Growth for Male Survivors of Sexual Violence


Have you experienced sexual violence at some point in your life?

Are you currently seeking services and/or support from a Sexual Violence Organization within Canada?

Are you 18 years or older and identify as a male?

Your help is needed in a confidential study!

Researchers from the University of Ottawa are conducting a study aimed at understanding posttraumatic growth (the experience of positive changes in one’s life following a traumatic incident) and associated factors for male survivors of sexual violence.

This is a two-part questionnaire and should take no longer than 30 minutes to complete each time. This study is being conducted independently of any sexual violence organization.

To participate in this confidential study, please visit: https://posttraumaticgrowth.limequery.com/254176?lang=en

For more information, please contact:

Samantha Cima

Phone: 778-388-4905

Email: [scima017@uottawa.ca](mailto:scima017@uottawa.ca)

David Joubert

Phone: 613-562-5800 ext. 1803

Email: [david.joubert@uottawa.ca](mailto:david.joubert@uottawa.ca)

Submitted December 10, 2018 at 10:13PM by samanthacima
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Helping my girlfriend face the past

Helping my girlfriend face the past

My girlfriend of 5 years decided yesterday that she wanted to face what had happened to her in the past.

Namely, a decade ago (give or take), when she was 15, she had a tutor for school who would endlessly force sexual discussions, touch her knees and so on, and would likely have done worse if she hadn't always been on the lookout to avoid giving him the chance to. This even led her to attempt suicide, in a fortunately botched attempt that only she and I know about (thanks to the nature of her attempt, she passed it off as a bad stomachache). She never managed to talk about it, but she would try to stop lessons with the guy under various pretenses, to no avail.

Now, she has begun realising that the experience still haunts her, even if subtly, and wants to work to get over it.

Her first concern is sharing it with her family. Still living with and being financially supoorted by them, postponing it isn't an option, let alone a good one. But this poses issues.

First off, the parents' likely guilt. He was their recomendation, and they could react negatively out of guilt, trying not to believe it or go after the guy (which is something she doesn't want or care about, she just wants to be well. I'd be the first in line to, uh, cause semi-permanent physical injury to him, but her wishes are what they are). They can be less than easy people when stressed, and sge fears losing control of the situation. And then there's the issue of her sister, who had the same tutor. Whether he acted like that with the sister too is unknown to us, but the way my girlfriend sees it, either answer carries its problems.

So, how should we approach this?

Submitted December 10, 2018 at 04:15AM by Xhosant
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Missing memories (sibling abuse)

Missing memories (sibling abuse)

Hey guys, I just want to be upfront and say that this is about my mom who does not have a Reddit account but allowed me to help her write and post this as she is in need of some guidance.

She has only 1 memory of something. She was maybe 7 or 8 years old and remembers her older 15 year old (half, they have the same mother but not father) brother sticking his tongue in her mouth. She also remembers him telling her "you have to do what I say, you have to obey your elders" but her memory blacks out after that. Her sister had said that she once caught him kissing her and her sister had threatened to beat him up. My mom has issues with sex and she has been celibate (and single) for over a decade after divorcing my father. She says that she's always felt uncomfortable and dirty after sex and she dislikes being touched sexually. It was difficult for her, but I'm really glad that she opened up to me about everything.

The brother that abused her is in jail now for abusing underage males. She has been sensing him money since my grandmother died in 2009 but she wants to continue to send him money now that my grandfather has passed away (he raised the brother for most of his life) but I feel like she is putting herself in a difficult position emotionally. She wants to know what happened and she has absolute power over him (money), so what can she do to find out what happened to her? Or is it best to leave it all in the past?

Submitted December 09, 2018 at 09:02PM by Eggplantbun
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how do you deal with intimacy (sexual & nonsexual)?

how do you deal with intimacy (sexual & nonsexual)?

Let me start off by saying i'm a young adult and feel smothered in this college atmosphere of being free and dating and having sex. I don't vibe with any of it. I don't feel free, I don't want to date, and I don't want to have sex. Yes, I want to discover myself but more in the introverted sense; I want to repair my broken self as much as I can before I do anything else. I chose that to be my priority right out of high school because it had become impossible for me to function daily with how emotionally crippled I had become.

But, it's been years since then and I feel like i'm hitting the bar of when i'm supposed to have it all together. I'm supposed to want to have sex, to want to be in a functioning adult relationship, right? But I don't want any of that. My libido works just fine and everything, masturbation is alright; I just don't want anybody to actually touch me or look at me. The idea is repulsive; it makes me feel dirty, disgusting, embarrassed, and utterly shameful. Even typing it feels disgusting.

I've been trying to fix the root cause of this problem by correcting my thoughts, actions, habits, and it's a really slow, taxing process. Especially since i'm doing it mostly alone. I feel like i'd be ok with how slow this process is if there wasn't such a sense of urgency about sex, like you gotta have it and you gotta have it now! You gotta lose your virginity! You gotta talk about sex at social gatherings! You gotta talk about who you're dating! You gotta talk about fucking!

I get so self-conscious about what I lack, since I feel like i'm constantly trying to fake being a functioning person, which probably makes me ascribe more importance to sex than it actually has.

I just.. I don't want to care about sex right now. My priorities are elsewhere and I want to feel ok about that! But I feel so fucking guilty. And I feel like an idiot for feeling like a grade-schooler that doesn't want to be made fun of, but I do want to fit in with peers. I feel like if I do ever end up in a better mental state, I'm going to look back and think about how I wasted my early twenties having anxiety attacks when someone hugs me too long.

I just want to feel ok that I chose this for myself- to fix myself before I throw myself into something that I don't yet have the tools to handle. I don't want to feel rushed, but I do. I know people don't really give a shit about others' sex lives but I usually hear that from people who have "normal" sex lives, who already feel well adjusted in a sexual routine, and who didn't have a sexually traumatic childhood.

Now, about emotional intimacy: I crave it and yet I hate it. I know i'm only craving it so much because I still, deep deep down, want someone to save me; to make this job of fixing myself easier. But realistically, I know it wouldn't work like that so I don't intentionally seek it out.
I pushed away the one person willing to walk in on the garbage fire that is me, because I realized I was idealizing him and it was beginning to get harmful for our relationship. He was a beautiful person, but I projected this romanticized idea of a savior onto him (which no human being could ever fulfill). I knew I wouldn't be able treat him as well as he should be and I wasn't willing to open up at all because I didn't understand myself at all yet. It hurt that I hurt him by leaving him in such an unresolved state, but I was too scared of what he would think of me if I talked to him about my past. I wasn't ready to be like "by the way, I hate when you touch me or look into my eyes!" because he wouldn't believe that it was all me, and I definitely was not ready to talk to him about why. And I knew I couldn't ask him to conform to all these rules about me- no touching, no eye contact, no telling me he thought I was beautiful, no asking to see my family, no asking about my past. I couldn't ask that of him because I knew he could do better than me. He deserved to have someone who was a functioning person, ready to take on life with him. I shouldn't have assumed it all without asking, but I couldn't even bear to bring up the topic.
I wanted to be everything to him but I couldn't be anything at all. I couldn't bear the weight of being emotionally responsible for him. I know that may sound dumb but, I feel that's what relationships are. You both are open enough to handle each other's well-beings and share in downs as well as ups; I wasn't ready to dump all my shit on him, nor did I have the tools to take my part in handling his emotional well being in a healthy way. My abuser was a narcissist and I had to be his willing emotional slave, soothe his ego so he wouldn't blow up, let him touch me so he wouldn't be mad, tell him he was the good guy and it was me who was being bad, all so he wouldn't hurt me. That's still very firmly ingrained into me. Because of that, i'm still too afraid of condemnation by someone who'd be in charge of my well-being to open myself up to emotional intimacy.

My defense mechanism (avoidance & deflection) has become part of my personality, so I'm trying to de-tangle it from what's left of me. I want to be better already, I feel like an idiot. I want to be normal, I so badly wish this wasn't an issue, I so badly wish I could be who I would've grown up to be if I wasn't ruined.

By the way I'm not discounting the importance sex can have, I think it's cool concept, sure! and part of me is actually glad that people talk about it so much more now; it makes sex less of a taboo subject, which actually helps bring to light the severity of sexual crimes.

I just don't think sex is important for me right now, and probably not for a long while, but is it ok to make a decision like that for myself out of fear?

How do you guys feel about sex? How did you approach sex both in your first experience with it apart from your abuse, and in the long-run? And how do you deal with emotional intimacy? Are your brick walls still up? And if not, how did you even begin to start in taking them down? How do you approach the menacing two headed dragon that is sexual and non-sexual intimacy?

If you read all that (or even just bits) thanks a lot, really! And thank you if you decide to share anything with me! Even if you're also just sharing your confusion and frustration and can't offer an answer, I appreciate it a ton.
Whenever I feel terribly alone, I think of this subreddit. Thank you for being here to listen, and if you've ever regretted posting or talking about what's happened to you and how it's affected your life, take solace in the fact you've helped someone feel less alone in this world.

Submitted December 09, 2018 at 04:14PM by moon_howl
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Was I molested as a child?

Was I molested as a child?

For the past 6 years I have been plagued by an awful paranoia that I could have been molested as a young boy(before the age of 5). It all started when I was 18 and was reading about "repressed memories". I came across this book excerpt on google that said something along the lines of "If you THINK you were sexually abused as a child,you probably were",this absolutely opened up a huge can of worms mentally for me and I can honestly say that I have never been the same since. I lost a great deal of confidence in myself and I started experiencing panic attacks. There are days were I am confident nothing happened to me and other days were the complete opposite is true. I even went through scenarios where I imagined potential sexual abuse by EVERY male I can remember from before I was 5.

Coming to terms with the fact that my memory before 5 is a bit hazy is hard,all I really want is to know whether or not something did happen to me so that I can work towards moving on. I have been begging my brain to remember something so that I can finally get some closure. When I was 8 years old and we were having a stranger danger conversation at school,the teacher told us a story about a bus driver that had a little boy sit on his lap and he touched his "privates". I didn't feel any amount of fear at the time and I just believed that stuff rarely happened and went on with my life.

Never did I even remotely consider I could have been sexually abused until I was 18. When i was around 10,I was playing a flashgame with a chatroom and someone managed to post a picture of this website called lemonparty. It was a picture of 3 old guys having oral sex(i think). I was immediately shocked as I had never witnessed anything like that before.I informed my father of what I had seen and he proceeded to look at the website. I was grounded from the computer for a while and had parental controls on the internet from that moment sense.If something happened to me,why wasn't I triggered when I saw these things? I have really fuzzy memories between ages 2-5 and my clearer memories of that time period are between ages 4-5.

I don't have any memories of seeing an adult penis and never masturbated until a friend in grade 6 told me how. I was shocked in the 4th grade to find out that men had pubes for example(so this makes me think I never saw a mature male anatomy before then.). I am completely lost and I am tired of living my life in constant paranoia. Does anyone have any idea what could be going on?Thanks.

Submitted December 09, 2018 at 08:08AM by Badluckkk667
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From The Book of Forgiving by Desmond Tutu – Thought some of you might find this useful. Can’t claim to have gone through the process myself but sometimes when I get down, I look at this diagram. It helps me feel better and gives a sense of hope.

From The Book of Forgiving by Desmond Tutu – Thought some of you might find this useful. Can’t claim to have gone through the process myself but sometimes when I get down, I look at this diagram. It helps me feel better and gives a sense of hope.

Submitted December 09, 2018 at 07:15AM by discardedyouth88
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Starting to heal 25 years later….

Starting to heal 25 years later….

I'm currently 30 years old and finally starting to talk about the unspeakable trauma I faced for 6+ years as a little kid. I told my parents about it, but for whatever reason, they didn't believe me and it continued to happen. I felt that if my own parents didn't believe me, then the other adults in my life wouldn't either. So, I suffered in agony for years.

Since it was never properly dealt with it changed my life in nearly every aspect. I feel that if it were dealt with properly, then my life may have turned out differently. I wouldn't flock to toxic relationships, I wouldn't have run from the healthy relationships, I wouldn't have had my slutty days and I wouldn't go for the older men. As a little girl, I had a friend's grandfather do unspeakable things and now as as adult I tend to gravitate towards older men.

I'm finally starting to talk about what happened. I feel if I continue to not deal with and address what happened then I will never reach one of my ultimate goals. I want to be in long term healthy relationship. I don't know if marriage is my thing, but I want to build a future with a man who I can have a life and family with.

If I continue to hide this deep within me, I will never fully heal. It's going to be painful, but I can do it.

Submitted December 09, 2018 at 02:42AM by thatdarnnumber117
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